Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Her birthday would be coming up soon.

Sunday night Brandon took me to see a movie and he even let me pick it out. (Who says chivalry is dead?) Actually the way it went down was I told him I would only see The Lovely Bones and if he didn't want to see that then he could go to the theater all by himself. Hence we saw The Lovely Bones.

All in all I really enjoyed the movie. I liked the fact that it wasn't predictable, which is sometimes a little too much to ask for these days. Visually, some of the scenes were amazing and I really like the fact that the movie pushes the perception of the afterlife. Personally I'm one of those on the fence types who thinks anything is possible. We will never have a definitive answer, right?

Typically, when I watch a TV show or movie there is one quote that takes root in my head and won't get out and a lot of times just sets my emotions upside down. This was the case with The Lovely Bones. Without giving too much away, a character says that people never really know the moment you are gone. They know when you die, they just never know that moment when you really leave them.

There have been times in a little over a year that I can see a certain body type with the exact same hair style as my Aunt Patsy and still feel a little hope. I can hear a laugh so similiar, but not as distinct as hers was, and I will ache. I never felt more mortified as when I caught the tail end of Elf and started crying at the very end when everyone sings "Santa Clause is Coming to Town." In that moment I remembered her singing it. I was never so glad Brandon was asleep. I wouldn't have to explain to him why I was crying real tears and not stupid chick flick tears.

Of course I know she is gone. It just doesn't get easier. My blame doesn't go away. I'm still so mad at myself for not saying goodbye to her. For barely seeing her in the last years of her life. I had no idea they would be her last or that she would leave us so quickly. There are so many things I would have said to her, thanked her for. One more hug.

It sneaks up on me every now and then and it's so hard for me to talk to anyone about it. I guess sometimes we can be so afraid to show the emotions that aren't easy and then we become afraid to bring it up and make everybody else sad about it. So we bottle it up until late at night where we can cry in private. In secret.

Until a movie, or a laugh or a song or a smell brings it all back out into the light again.


Kim said...


evercurious said...

thank you Kim!

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Autumn Storm said...

I know it so often is a difficult thing to do, but you need to forgive yourself. It is rare that we do as much as we can or see people as much as we can - there is not a single person that I have lost through the years, where I have not had the same thoughts. The very last opportunity that I had to see my brother, I did not take. My grandmother, the same. These are the ones that after so many years, still cause me agony. The quote is beautiful and painful, exquisite in every meaning of the word. We can only ever do our best, and by that I mean our best to remember that life is fleeting and to let people know we love them. If your aunt Patsy knew that you loved her, which from all that you have written here and what I know of you, I am absolutely certain that she had no doubt of, then whether there or not, you were close always.
Am sorry for your loss. She must have been a very special lady.